Life Is Hard Sometimes

On July 2nd, Brian and I found out that we were expecting a baby.

On Wednesday, August 26th, we went into the doctor to have our first appointment and found out that our baby had died.

I've debated posting about this, but have decided that my blog is a good outlet for me to express my feelings and to (hopefully) gain some support through tough times like this. I want to be completely open and honest about everything that's happened and how I'm feeling. I hope this doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, but I need to do this.

When Brian and I first found out that I was pregnant, we were ecstatic! Over the moon happy. We knew the circumstances weren't ideal, (when are they ever?) but we knew it was time. This was very hard for me because I like to make sure everything is in place before making big decisions like this. Brian didn't have a job, and we didn't have insurance, but after talking to some friends I felt that we could make it work with some other options. So we went forward with the decision to have a baby.

After seeing the positive result, I wanted to tell everyone but knew that we needed to wait. I also didn't find out I was pregnant until almost 7 weeks, so when I called to make a doctor appointment, the earliest they could get me in was at 13 1/2 weeks. I decided it would be best to wait to tell everyone until after that appointment.

Of course we couldn't wait that long to tell our families. Brian and I are both the oldest so it was the first on both sides. Our parents were so thrilled. Our siblings so excited. We started planning what to call the grandparents and even when to have the baby shower my sister wanted to throw. It was exciting to finally tell someone, like it made it a little more real.

I never felt really sick during those first few weeks. I didn't want to eat a whole lot of anything, but I never had to sit at the toilet. I was so thankful for that and hoped that was a good sign of how I would feel for the rest of the pregnancy.

As the doctor appointment got closer and I got further and further along without any signs of problems, we started telling a few more people. Close friends, but only a couple. I was still too nervous and wanted to wait until I heard that heartbeat. I can't explain, but I felt that once I heard that heartbeat this would finally feel real. I was wrong, it can feel real before you even hear that.

Wednesday morning I woke up at 2:30 AM and wasn't able to go back to sleep for almost 2 hours. I don't know why, I was just nervous and anxious and excited. I was going to see my baby! It was so unreal.

Brian picked me up from work and took me to the appointment. We waited nervously for the doctor to come in and talk to us. We chatted about the different tests that would take place at certain weeks and then we went in to have a look at the baby. I laid there as he zoomed in and pointed out my baby's spine and the legs and head. For about 15 seconds I was elated as I looked at my baby. And then he said we needed to see a heartbeat and I immediately felt something was wrong. The mood in the room shifted and I knew. The doctor pointed to the heart and there was no activity. He pointed out that there was a little fluid collected in the head which meant that it probably happened only a couple days ago.

I was in shock and I cried (and I'm continuing to cry) more than I thought I would. Not that I ever thought I would have to go through this. The doctor recommended a D&C because I was so far along. He said if I waited to let it happen naturally I could be in immense pain and it might cause me to need an emergency D&C anyway. We left the office and I immediately called my mom and she left work to come be with me.

Unfortunately due to the timing of the appointment, Brian had to go to class still because it's the first week of school. Luckily the class was cut short so he could come back and be with me. I want to thank the friends and family I talked to who offered words of comfort and acts of kindness on that day (and to those who continue to do so).

Yesterday I went in early to have my surgery. Brian came with me and his mom came to be with him while I was under. The procedure only took about 10 minutes but it took me almost 45 to come out of the anesthesia so I could leave the hospital. We went back to my in-law's, who so graciously allowed me to crash on their couch while I recovered that day. I felt pretty groggy for most of the day but by the end of the day I was more awake and present.

It's hard not to try and think of why this happened, when all you really want is a reason because you think that will make you feel better and help you get over this pain. I sometimes find myself getting upset thinking that I really shouldn't be this emotional because I wasn't as far along as other ladies are when they lose a baby. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a baby after you've felt it move or found out the gender. But I have to remind myself, that I still had a baby inside me and that is validation enough. I was 13 1/2 weeks along, which usually means you're past the point of needing to really worry about miscarriages, but it can still happen. I was just starting to get that little pouch that, while no one else can see, you still notice as different that your normal self. I had a bond with my baby that I didn't realize I had, simply because it was inside me.

Now, everyone has different opinions on babies and spirits and when the spirit enters the baby, but for me, I'm still not sure. I'm not sure if the body I was preparing had received a spirit and that's all it needed, or if there was no spirit ready for the body I was preparing. I will have to wait to find out that answer. What I do know, is that before we got pregnant, I had a strong feeling of which of my children would come first. Not that I know anything mind you, but I just had a feeling. Believe me or not, when I got pregnant and first started trying to feel for that baby's spirit, I didn't recognize it. Whether it was just not there, or it was someone else, I don't know. Not to say I didn't love this baby. I really did. I just didn't feel like it was what I was expecting. But Brian and I still started talking to the baby and I tried to comfort and communicate with my baby when I was feeling stressed or unsure.

In trying to cope with this, Brian and I have done a lot of talking about why and how things happened, even though we can't know the real reason. But some things, besides what was mentioned above, that we came up with are:

It's interesting that we couldn't get into the doctor before that time. If we had gone in at 10 weeks, we might have heard the heartbeat and told everyone and gotten much more into planning and such. And the fact that I still didn't want to tell anyone until after I had been to the doctor. Why things happen that way, I don't know.

Brian and I also feel like maybe this was a test for us, to see if we would act on faith, even though things weren't perfect, and still start a family when we knew we were supposed to. And maybe that means next time things will be better prepared or just maybe we have proven our faith now. Who knows? Hopefully, it's the only time we have to do that, in this area.

Yesterday, while the doctor was down there doing his thing, (and I was very thankfully completely out and asleep) he noticed a mole down there that I have been asked about at a couple previous women's doctor appointments. It's never really bothered me (mostly because it's not in the most convenient place for me to check on it.) But he decided to remove it anyway, so it won't cause problems in the future. I'm not sure if it's being tested for cancer, because I just thought of that as I was typing this, but I'll ask Brian. But we think maybe that was a side-effect of why this happened. That needed to be seen and removed now instead of later in a completely different surgery I couldn't afford right now.

I don't know if this is coming off sounding really depressing, but that's not what I'm going for. Most of the time I'm doing pretty well. Besides a little cramping, and slight soreness from the stitches of the mole removal, there's no pain. They gave me a prescription for Percocet, but it made me sick in the hospital so I don't really want to take it again. And I can take Ibuprofen now so I'm doing well with that. I make it through most of the day without letting it stop me, not to say that I'm not thinking about it all the time. I am. But it's only when I stop and let myself actually feel it that I break down a little. But that's ok, and that's good. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I need to keep telling myself that losing this baby at 13 1/2 weeks is still hard, no matter if I ever got to see or hold this baby. This baby is real to me, whether it had a spirit yet, or one just wasn't ready.

I think Brian is doing ok, though he's struggling too. It's hard for him because he's starting this new year and has to try to focus on new classes while all of this is going on. He's been really great though at making sure I'm doing ok and have everything I need. He's being really supportive and loving. I really have the best husband.

I don't feel like I can give advice to any other mothers out there, but I can now feel a deeper empathy for all the mothers that have been "pregnant for even a second." I appreciate the love and support of all the friends and family and don't want anyone to feel awkward about saying anything. Just excuse me if I start to tear up.